I am a human being, not a human doing

Should-ing all over myself...

2011-08-26T23:08:00.000-04:00

Here is a random list of "I should.."

I should have more compassion...
I should make more attempts at saying hello to strangers...
I should do better at studying my scriptures longer every day...
I should not go to bed late and then complain that I don't get enough sleep...
I should not laugh when people fall, even though I make sure they are ok first...
I should smile more...
I should not laugh as much at my WPBFF (work place best friends forever)...
I should always say thank you to those who don't deserve it...
I should do better at saying thank you to those who do deserve it...
I should not listen to the radio so loud...
I should do better at exercising more...
I should eat better...
I should not say such dumb things on Facebook...
I should pronounce my words better so people can understand me...
I should be more open to listening to those I can't stand to hear talking...
I should not pick my nose until there is a sink within 5 feet to wash my hands...
I should not call out those people who are reading this saying that I am gross even though they pick their nose too...
I should read at least one general conference talk every week instead of the entire conference at one time...
I should not be so proud of being late to work everyday...
I should be more kind to my parents...
I should have been a better uncle to my nephews...
I should not be so disappointed in my friends when they don't want to hang out with me...
I should find friends that want to hang out with me...
I should not make jokes about finding other friends...
I should see the Savior in everyone...
I should not refer to my afternoon work drink of Vitamin C as my "liquid-meth midday pick me up"....
I should see everyone as they truly are (a child of God) instead of what life has temporarily made them...
I should make some cookies to take to the Anti-Phil Days they have in work that are given in honor of me...
I should try harder to be more like the Savior...
I should not try so hard to be devilish even though it comes so natural and easy to me...
I should do better at not crashing four-wheelers even though I love the fact that one famous wreck got a mountain named after me...
I should do better at visiting those who I know need a person to care enough to visit them...
I should quit getting angry at a person from my past who hates me just because I loved her...
I should do better at visiting my grandmother...
I should not love Taco Bell so much...
I should write in my journal more often...
I should write letters to my future wife and children to tell them how much I already love them...
I should not find so much humor in things that are not intended to be humorous unless of course I can't stop myself...
I should not be so great as I am...
I should study a foreign language...
I should do better at being humble...
I should not run out of work every day like a person who is running late to catch a bus...
I should be more vocal about the things and people I love the most...
I should go to Utah to see some of my friends I haven't seen in a long time...
I should go to Utah and add to my friends circle so that I can miss them when I come back to Tennessee...
I should not be disappointed when someone on Facebook deletes me as a friend...
I should be a better teacher for my institute class students whom I love so much...
I should not quote random movie quotes so much to those who I know will not understand (but that's what is so fun)...
I should smile at my nerd even when she doesn't want me too...
I should play my guitar more...
I should be more appreciative to my fan club, and yes I have fan club...
I should quit trying to be funny or cool when I meet someone I want to know better...
I should read more of things that challenge my way of thinking...
I should let you get back to something more important in your life...
I should travel more...
I should not love football as much as I do...
I should not let so much time go in between the times I visit the temple...
I should not laugh so loud when I am watching a movie by myself...
I should quit thinking I need to apologize to Lt. Dan for doing what I know I was supposed to do...
I should quit because I have been should-ing all over myself enough for one night.

The words of others...

2011-07-28T23:15:00.000-04:00

Its been a long time since I have written on this blog. I don't even post that much on facebook anymore unless its a verbal laugh out loud insulting fun joust fight with my co-workers. I just haven't felt like writing much in the last 8 or 10 months. I really haven't had the time to set down and express myself in words because life keeps me so busy I forget about myself... which I thought that's what I was supposed to do, forget about myself and go to work! What is odd is that I don't forget about myself when I say some of my prayers. Unfortunately some consist of only "this is what I need and thanks for listening Heavenly Father". Its like I hang up (or stand up) before I could even let Him say "come back and see me when you have more time. I love out conversations but I wish you could hear me more". Those type of prayers are the marking of someone who needs a course correction, someone who needs to do better. I don't do them much but I have done more lately that I should. I am someone who needs to think less of himself and more of himself if that even makes sense (no wonder life can be so confusing sometimes). I know my life is not a great book that you can't put down, or a movie that you hope turns into a trilogy. My life always seems more like a chapter in someone's comic book, and I am not the hero or villain, just someone that happens to be there. No matter though, I now understand that whatever the format, the simple words of someone else, even on a blog can make a difference. I need to listen more and I need to write more, I need to correct myself more and this is the way need to do it, but writing it down.

The words of someone else's life can change you, it really can!! and no I am not just talking about the words of the Savior (although they do change you the most) or some great miracle that happened in someone's life that is talked about at General Conference (that can sometimes change you if you are paying attention, haha). Not long ago someone's words really changed me, but and it wasn't just the words, it was the power in which it was said that really changed me. The crazy thing is what it wasn't directed to me, wasn't about me, it had nothing to do with me! Still it changed me, like a light in my head went off but not just in my head, it was my heart that it brightened up too! This light didn't just blink but it stayed on, and the best part is the bulb still hasn't blown!!! That usually happens to me but it has stayed on and changed me... it has became an eternal part of me. It was a tender mercy that I didn't even know I needed, it was a light you could see in a bright room.

I know you are asking, "what happened?, what was said? who is it? why are you so weird Phil?, why is my zipper down right now? and what did you read that changed you?". Unfortunately I really can't answer those questions (especially about the zipper), and I really can't express what changed will enough for anyone to understand. Plus if I tried, well, all it would do is devalue the experience and the sacredness.... and I can't do that because I love and need it to much in my life. So all I can do is admit that it changed me, it made me want something better, it made me love someone better, and it made me realize that my soul is in constant need of be refreshed and updated... kinda like this blog. So that's what I am going to do, I am going to update and change it as often as possible (my blog and my life).

So expect more from me and expect more from this blog.

-Phillip

p.s. Thank you Whit. Someday I hope to thank you for what you did for me in just a few sentences of your blog. You opened your soul up for all to read, and I fell in love with your heart that day.... and it changed mine forever.

Fear and Doubt

2011-07-02T12:35:00.000-04:00

Has anyone ever been like me and feared and doubted something? or is that just me? I am learning that not only do I do it more than I like to admit, but sometimes I can be consumed with it and not realize it until after its pointed out to me. I often say that I am just cautious but the reality is I get scared of loosing something or someone and I fear the terrible outcome and doubt the best outcome. In this process I push out faith and hope and I am left empty inside and the feeling of being alone can hit me hard. I usually overcome it quickly but for some people..... they will feel empty and alone plus they feel the crushing weight and pain of the world on top of their shoulders with no relief in sight. They feel like they are being squeezed and there is no end in sight. They don't get quick relief.... they try to adjust and just live with it knowing they are not worth it.

How do I help this person?

It is said that "fear is the beginning of defeat and courage is the beginning of success," but how do we help someone make that transition when it consumes their entire life? That is where pride usually sticks its ugly head in. Next doubt enters in as the natural defense because we don't want to know the truth or the truth seems to hard, even harder than than the original fear. The doubt and fear become a circle with pride covering them so the truth will not have any effect upon them.

"When you attempt to live life's experiences alone, you are not being true to yourself, nor to your basic mission in life. Individuals in difficulty often say: 'I'll do it alone,' 'Leave me alone,' 'I don't need you,' 'I can take care of myself.' It has been said that no one is so rich that he does not need another's help, no one so poor as not to be useful in some way to his fellowman. The disposition to ask assistance from others with confidence, and to grant it with kindness, should be part of our very nature."

Its easier said than done.

Serious post here but I promise a funny and uplifiting one tomorrow...

2008-12-29T16:30:00.007-05:00

I haven't written in this blog for some time now. Its been hard to write anything lately without being honest with how I felt the majority of the past month. I haven't been in a fun mood as much as I usually am. Thanksgiving and Christmas has passed by and I will be honest and say its been a little difficult without my grandfather around. I know the warm and sunny "tomorrows" are ahead for me but even with that knowledge the "todays" of the recent weeks have been very cloudy with a cold and wet wind blowing in my face. I know that when it rains it pours and we are given those drenching rains to have the old washed off so the new can exist but sometimes I feel like someone is also scrubbing me down with lye soap and a hard brush in today's hard rain.

I don't feel sorry for myself but I think everyone has those points in life where the adversity on your shoulders is more than it has been in the past or at least more than it has been in awhile. Sometimes its so heavy you disappear into yourself hoping that you will become a shadow in a corner where you will be unseen and un-important to those that are important to, just for a little relief from the cold rain. I do take some comfort knowing that most of this adversity is not because of mistakes I have made and is just par for my course in life. The hardest part is knowing that some of it is because of mistakes I have made. Those seem to be the heaviest and most difficult to live with. Those are the things that I wish would disappear but because everything I do effects all in my life, I can't erase my life without erasing those people that mean so much to me. Plus, I want to learn from mistakes not set down in the mud and cry about it.

I was reading an article by President Monson today about the most important decisions in life and he said something that was very profound, "We must not let our passions destroy our dreams." I had heard that before and quotes like "don't give up what you want most in life for what you want at the moment" and "decisions are not goals, decisions are daily steps that take you to your goal that was made long ago, so make the best possible decisions that take you toward your goal no matter how hard a step it is". I honestly can say that some of the drenching rain that is falling on me is because I gave in to anger and said something untrue and meant to make some important people to me angry. I felt why not give them what they are giving me! I was wrong and made a bad decision. Proverbs says, "A soft answerth turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger". I wish I would have listened to that counsel because it also says that "the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness." Something was done to me either by accident or with intent to hurt me (I'm still not sure which) and my reaction was with angry words that destroyed a trust that I had in someone and knew they had in me. It added a burden that I must carry for some unknown time.... and those decisions made us both look like a fool in then end. A wet and cold fool by himself in the shadows of the corner, getting a hard cleaning with lye soap. Ouch doesn't begin to describe the tear in my soul from being stupid and now having to live with the consequences.

For just a few minutes I gave into passion (anger) and in reality gave up what I wanted most in life for something at the moment, I made a decision that took me away from my goal.... and the burden of those words I said make me wish tomorrow would hurry up and get here. The pains of Gethsemane are the most real thing I can experience in this life except for one thing that is more real... the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father. It is said that the Liberty Jail experience was the most suffering that Joseph Smith went through on this earth, but it is not best described as hell on earth though he said he couldn't imagine hell being any different than that jail. It have come to be best described as the Liberty temple. It was through that experience that Joseph came closer to our Heavenly Father and Savior than any other time (as described by Elder Holland) because the suffering brought Joseph to his own Gethsemane and Christ was waiting for him there. Christ was waiting for him in that place but Joseph didn't know that until he was still and listened, and only after Joseph was still was he given peace... Christ had lead him out of that garden into a place where there was no more suffering because it the suffering served its purpose, it got Joseph closer to the overall goal, the place he dreamed. Christ lead Joseph through the cold and wet today's to the bright and sunny tomorrows.

Sometimes I forget that the path of happiness leads to my own Liberty temple and I must go through my own Gethsemane. I must be still and when I travel through this part of the path, whether it be because I am guilty of transgression or when I am innocent, I must remember its the Lord with the lye soap and hard brush scrubbing away. In the end is a happiness that could not have been enjoyed without the rain. I just hope that when the rain and scrubbing is over that those whom I was a fool to and that was angry with me, well I hope they let me part of their tomorrow. If not then it will still be sunny and joyful tomorrow.... but I don't want to imagine a tomorrow without certain friends and family.

For now I am just learning to be patient and learn from the "today's". I don't like standing in the dark corner, I love my family and friends to much to ever do that for to long.

Rating the good and the bad....

2008-11-25T00:03:00.010-05:00

So I have just set down to what has been another day in the life of Phil and I have been thinking about everyone and everything that makes the good and the bad of my day. So I thought I would show how my day has been influenced by giving a rating for a few items that have added either some good or bad to my day, Monday the 24th of November. I will limit it to 5 items, anything over 5 you might think about killing yourself to relieve you from the shear boredom and depression that you will get from reading this post. You might just a laugh a little too.

I will start in the morning and work my way through the day as far as I can remember. Each item will receive a number from 1 to 10. The lower the number the more "bad" it added and the higher the number the more "good" it added to the day. So here we go and with the first thing of the day....

The bathroom - Come on now, everyone knows that when you get up in the morning the first thing you need to do is empty the ole' bladder. The bathroom becomes a friend, almost a real person. You look forward to seeing her, you know she loves to see you coming to her even at your worst times (i.e. bladder full, sick to stomach, number 2, just want to be alone, etc). She is your best friend and you plan on taking care of her... you only get mad at her when she has let someone else use her and stink her up. The bathroom is cool and you know it, like a tiny Celestial room in your house without all the Celestial stuff. She is there in the morning or at any time of the day, and she was there for me all day today.
The bathroom gets a 8.

The T.V. - The television usually comes on early so I can see the weather for the day and see if anything "big" happened during the night. I didn't wake up early enough today to do that or most days for that matter. This afternoon there was not much on that added anything except for the reruns of "The King of Queens" which added some much needed humor this afternoon. Gotta love Doug Heffernan. So I didn't have time to watch much of anything so it really didn't add much good or bad to the day. The T.V. gets a 5.

My family/friends - Here is the tricky one. I love my family, I honestly do.... but they are such crybabies. I don't need to go into detail here but my goodness!!! Get a grip and add some happiness to your life, its not as bad as you want it to be. I heard nothing but complaints any time one of them spoke or called me today. I love 'em and have a lot of compassion for them but today was just out of control on many levels. On the other hand my friends picked me up and made me happy today. I am closer to some of them than I am my immediate family in most ways of my life. I spoke almost 2 hours tonight to a "special" friend who will remain nameless, and even though most of it was not the best conversation I do smile anytime I talk to her. My family/friends rating is tough so I am going to split it... the family gets a 3 and the friends get a 9.

My scriptures - Just plain ole' love 'em!!! There is not much I enjoy more than studying my scriptures. Takes a ton of weight off of my shoulders and gets me thinking eternally again. I love the fact that you can read something that you have read a hundred times before and learn something new or see something a little differently each time. Nothing gets me closer to my Father and I love that time he spends teaching me something. Today was no different, my scriptures get a 10.

and the last but not the least...

My computer - Ok maybe you are let down a little that I can actually rate my computer for adding to my good or bad today. Well it does. Today I listened to some great music and even played along with my guitar on a few Led Zeppelin and other songs. Here is what "she" has done for me today... I got to check my email, find out the latest gossip on the Vols coaching search, find out how to make better brownies (which the answer is to let someone else make them), scan pictures of my grandfather so I can keep up with them, check my facebook and myspace accounts, add some cool features to this blog, and finally I got to spend a few hours chatting with my friend tonight who made me smile... and so I had to give my props to my computer today. My computer gets a 8.

Well there ya go. The good and the bad for Phil today. I hope you didn't cut your wrists or suck the tailpipe of your car because of this blog... if you feel that bad just go to the bathroom, she is always ready for ya.

Important answers for the important questions of life.

2008-11-23T23:51:00.000-05:00

Are you asking yourself any of the following questions: Why does Phil have a blog now? Why would I care if Phil has a blog? What the heck does "I go to seek a great perhaps" mean? Why can't I stop reading the questions? and finally, who the heck is Phil?

Those are important questions but they are not as important as the answers. Over time and with a lot of patience you will know why I have a blog, why you care about it, why I have the last words of a dying man as the title, why you are addicted to my questions and obviously my answers since you have made it this far, and yes, over time and with patience you will come to know who the heck Phil is.

I hope you enjoy and don't become to disappointed, well at least as not as disappointed as my family has been in me (ok that was said with a little sarcasm, but not much) and I hope you enjoy this thing called a great perhaps, because maybe you are the reason I am writing it (perhaps or perhaps not).